Relationships That Heal: An Overview by Maureen Duffy, PhD

Love and intimacy are at a root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing. If a new drug had the same impact, virtually every doctor in the country would be recommending it for their patients. It would be malpractice not to prescribe it—yet, with few exceptions, we doctors do not learn much about the healing power of love, intimacy, and transformation in our medical training. Dean Ornish, M.D., 1998

Healthy relationships begin with Attunement and Attachment:

What is a Secure Attachment?

Emotional bonding to another person or persons

A sense of connection and belonging

Feelings of safety and security

How do we influence each other in a positive way through attunement?

Attunement is a regulatory system originating outside of the body in the presence of a caring other

Calming of the sympathetic nervous system

Reduction of overarousal and overactivation of the nervous system

Attunement and the Brain

Calming of the amygdala

Reduction of fear, increase in safety

Ability to return attention to outside world and to others

Signs of Attunement:

Paying attention to the other person

Eye to eye contact

Touch

Synchrony in movements

Finishing the other person’s sentences (can be annoying!)

Listening to one another

Talking to one another

Enjoying one another

Sensitivity to the vulnerabilities of the other

Acceptance Supports Attunement;

Acceptance of Self:

Important whether you are a person with bipolar or someone who loves a person with bipolar

Acceptance can be difficult because we tend to be very hard on ourselves

Practice humility, stop trying to be perfect or pretending to be perfect

What is most beautiful is imperfect and flawed—signifiers of life and living

Acceptance of Others:

A relationship is a system and the easiest part of a relationship system to change is yourself!

People do not change under the umbrella of a negative attribution.

Criticism doesn’t work.

People who are criticized tend to be the most resistant to change because they are trying to prove the critic wrong and stay the same in the process!

Normal Cycle of Relationships:

a.) Attunement

Relationship is in “flow” and both parties feel attended to and cared for

b.) Disruption

Disruptions in relationships are normal and inevitable aspects of every relationship—they are not in and of themselves indicators of a disordered relationship

c.) Repair

Active attention to the “repair” aspect of the relationship cycle is critical.

Relationship Disruptions:

In relationships, disruptions are normal and inevitable.

In childhood, they may take the form of not paying attention, not looking , not attending, not responding to the other person who clearly notices and is aware and becomes upset.

In adulthood, they may take the form of all of the above plus more language-based disruptions such as sarcasm, criticism, dismissiveness, put-downs, anger, ignoring, lack of empathy.

Elevated and Intense Arguments demand other skills. Learn tools to lower intensity. Agree in advance on ways to leave the room or the argument.

Allow for a cool down and separation to regain emotional regulation.

Relationship Repair:

Reconnecting

Acknowledging the disruption

Apologizing, if necessary

Assuming a leadership role in relationship repair

Repair gestures can be touch-based, talk-based, or action based.

Accept the other person’s form of a healing gesture - every one moves back toward the center in a different way.

Use the “soft start up” to talk about problems

Make a genuine attempt to understand the other’s point of view - Listen.

Acknowledge the fear or hurt that another had - even when you think it was unwarranted or extreme - it is how they perceived it.

Work really hard to be non-defensive

Repair skills are the most important aspect of relationship management.

Maintaining Relationships that Heal:

Increase frequency of positive interactions.

Decrease criticism, fault-finding, blaming, and expressions of exasperation.

When anxious, practice personal self-regulation—hold on to yourself, stay calm, and react to situations in as thoughtful and tranquil a way as possible.

Increase problem-solving behaviors, decrease panic and intense emotional reactions.

By holding yourself accountable for desired relationship changes, positive change can occur fairly rapidly.

If you assume primary responsibility for improving the quality of your relationships with your significant other and/or family members, positive change is inevitable.

Repairing Damaged Relationships