Relationships that Heal (725 words - 3 minutes)

Relationships That Heal: An Overview by Maureen Duffy, PhDLove and intimacy are at a root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing.  If a new drug had the same impact, virtually every doctor in the country would be recommending it for their patients.  It would be malpractice not to prescribe it—yet, with few exceptions, we doctors do not learn much about the healing power of love, intimacy, and transformation in our medical training. Dean Ornish, M.D., 1998Healthy relationships begin with Attunement and Attachment:What is a Secure Attachment?Emotional bonding to another person or personsA sense of connection and belongingFeelings of safety and securityHow do we influence each other in a positive way through attunement?Attunement is a regulatory system originating outside of the body in the presence of a caring otherCalming of the sympathetic nervous systemReduction of overarousal and overactivation of the nervous systemAttunement and the BrainCalming of the amygdalaReduction of fear, increase in safetyAbility to return attention to outside world and to othersSigns of Attunement:Paying attention to the other personEye to eye contactTouchSynchrony in movementsFinishing the other person’s sentences (can be annoying!)Listening to one anotherTalking to one anotherEnjoying one anotherSensitivity to the vulnerabilities of the otherAcceptance Supports Attunement;Acceptance of Self:Important whether you are a person with bipolar or someone who loves a person with bipolarAcceptance can be difficult because we tend to be very hard on ourselvesPractice humility, stop trying to be perfect or pretending to be perfectWhat is most beautiful is imperfect and flawed—signifiers of life and livingAcceptance of Others:A relationship is a system and the easiest part of a relationship system to change is yourself!People do not change under the umbrella of a negative attribution.Criticism doesn’t work.People who are criticized tend to be the most resistant to change because they are trying to prove the critic wrong and stay the same in the process!Normal Cycle of Relationships:a.) AttunementRelationship is in “flow” and both parties feel attended to and cared forb.) DisruptionDisruptions in relationships are normal and inevitable aspects of every relationship—they are not in and of themselves indicators of a disordered relationshipc.) RepairActive attention to the “repair” aspect of the relationship cycle is critical.Relationship Disruptions:In relationships, disruptions are normal and inevitable.In childhood, they may take the form of not paying attention, not looking , not attending, not responding to the other person who clearly notices and is aware and becomes upset.In adulthood, they may take the form of all of the above plus more language-based disruptions such as sarcasm, criticism, dismissiveness, put-downs, anger, ignoring, lack of empathy.Elevated and Intense Arguments demand other skills. Learn tools to lower intensity. Agree in advance on ways to leave the room or the argument.Allow for a cool down and separation to regain emotional regulation.Relationship Repair:ReconnectingAcknowledging the disruptionApologizing, if necessaryAssuming a leadership role in relationship repairRepair gestures can be touch-based, talk-based, or action based.Accept the other person’s form of a healing gesture - every one moves back toward the center in a different way.Use the “soft start up” to talk about problemsMake a genuine attempt to understand the other’s point of view - Listen.Acknowledge the fear or hurt that another had - even when you think it was unwarranted or extreme - it is how they perceived it.Work really hard to be non-defensiveRepair skills are the most important aspect of relationship management.Maintaining Relationships that Heal:Increase frequency of positive interactions.Decrease criticism, fault-finding, blaming, and expressions of exasperation.When anxious, practice personal self-regulation—hold on to yourself, stay calm, and react to situations in as thoughtful and tranquil a way as possible.Increase problem-solving behaviors, decrease panic and intense emotional reactions.By holding yourself accountable for desired relationship changes, positive change can occur fairly rapidly.If you assume primary responsibility for improving the quality of your relationships with your significant other and/or family members, positive change is inevitable.

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